I wanted to share with you an entry that I was SO impacted by that I wrote it down to blog at my first chance. These events occured last Monday but I would love to encourage you to pray as you feel led for us as if it were today. These are only a small glimpse of our days and can be quite challenging to digest. I have also found out that a friend who is as close as a sister is expecting a baby. While I am thrilled beyond anything that she is being blessed so sweetly by the Lord it is our first "big" event to miss and I am left in tears. I can't even email her to congradulate her.My heart is truely aching ! Seriously. So, Carolyn, with all of my love I pray for you today and trust that you feel my love from all the way in Central America. My tears and aching are only because you have given me such rich friendship for the last 11+ years. My hearts desire is that many will get a glimpse into the joys , gifts and struggles of serving our Lord overseas in an honest and real way. Frienships are so valuable. Motherhood is so precious and the life of "this" missionary is anything but boring and complacent.Today my heart aches for missing out on such celebration of wonderful news.....tonight the Lord will lift me up I know ! He always does!
Confession of a Handicap Christian
Monday was a difficult day. I am only now feeling like I can begin to move past the many bizarre things that I took in on one day alone here in Guatemala. The most horrific and difficult was leaving the market today. The streets are very crowded and you really must stay on the sidewalk unless your desire to be hit by a vehicle. So I am walking in this very crowded condition and I come to a much older man who is lying face up, mouth wide open , against a wall and hands on his waistline. I can't describe the peace on his face but as I leaned as close as I was brave enough to get there was no air being projected from his lungs. My mind was racing - this man is lying here dead and all of these people... NOT just Guatemalan people... ALL of us - we're just walking over and around him. Ashamed to say it but honest enough to admit it I completely locked up in fear. I gave him a a little boost with the toe of my sandal and there was no movement. Panicked with what do I do ... I did nothing. I walked with a heavy heart...not 100% sure that he was dead but FAR from 100 % sure that he was alive. I could use my being a white, woman, very little Spanish, etc as excuses but truthfully it was only that the hands and feet of this servant girl simply didn't respond. In shock of my new country and the sad realities that we face daily I buckled in shock that this man was most likely dead ... what in the world do I do ??? who do I tell ? There are no shops here .. no policmen.... getting a policeman could have been more dangerous for me personally. So, with my spiritual body wounded I walked on. I had been to the market and normally carry all of my things in my backpack. Today I filled by backpack and carried my jug of milk home in hand. Two miles (aprox) with back pack and a gallon of milk is draining some days. The longer /farther I walked the heavier the eyes became that just could not stop glaring at my milk. I could see it in the mothers eyes how they wished for my milk, the young teenage boy on his bike just starred at the jug as we waited for a bus to pull away and cross the street.... it went on the whole way home. I could have collapsed at the reality of my prosperity that I posessed in my one jug of milk. If only I had a bag of cups I could have stood on the corner handing out my cold milk. But I had no cup- no means of sharing my wealth. So, ashamed I lugged my milk home. At this time, it no longer felt like a 1 gal. jug of milk....it felt like 10 . Large enough for everyone to have some with no way of sharing it. The last stretch of my walk home is the only " more dangerous" part that we have. It's actually safe enough. It's just not as public and lined with trees. Anyway, an older teenage boy was passing by on his bicylce and I greeted him. I always do to the people who pass. It's my way of saying - I'm not afraid of you. I'll speak first-smile. So I did. He passed. then out of no where he is riding beside me again. A little nervous, I try to play it cool. He continues to ask personal questions. I tell him that I don't understand ( and I didn't-smile) but did get the idea of what he was saying. He asked me how old I was.... I stopped, looked him in the eye and said (in choppy Spanish) that it was not neccesary for him to know. Good bye! He continued on as I began to walk again. I repeated w/ Good bye (on the verge of a very ugly tone ) once again for the walk home bearing no possesion of the Spirit of God that lives in me. Yes, I know God can provoke our emotions to respond correctly to the situation at hand. True. And I agree. At this point in my walk however, I had lost all love for my "enemy" and just wanted to be "home"- done with the day. How much more saddness and challenge could I take? I was just going to go home and lye down and cry for the hurt of the people we're here to serve. And then I remembered a woman I had passed just that same morning on my way to school. She was maybe 50-60 years old and carrying on her back her 20 something year old invalid son while shaking a change jar with her
hands. What a difficult picture she was for me. In an instant I realized that if she can carry her "handicap", her "burden" , her "load", her life as a mother of an invalid child in an underdeveloped country than so can I! the truth of the day for me was to realize that I am the crippled one. I am the grown child incapable of nothing without the aid and care of my heavenly father. ALL day long he had me on his back ! ALL DAY. He never set me down. I simply chose the harship of holding on instead of the blessing in having a ride.
So, this is my confession. As a beliver in Jesus Christ, as a follower of the gospel, as a child of Jehovah God I missed out. I chose to see the rawness of the world instead of the righteousness of God. In his mercy I will be given a new oppportunity tommorow. By his grace I was given today!
Much love and abundant joy for the pain of being stretched !